We all know the story of Moby Dick. A tale of sweet revenge with no plot twists and a general disregard for culinary flare. A literary failure by every definition. In the spirit of man's evolving role in nature, I've compiled a handy list of fish* you can either fight, savor, or befriend while blitzed at sea.
*We will be using the term fish in complete laxity
10) Boops boops
Boops boops (or Bogue) are the weakest, least offensive fish in the sea—and there are millions of them. Know for their comically large eyes and ability to drink its own weight in Hamms.
9) Mako Shark
Boasting superior representation in Hollywood movies, this relatively slow fish can crush all day. Serious demerit points for flavor and un-ironic preference for White Claw.
8) Sardine (various)
Within the lightweight category and varying widely in both size and flavor. These bad boys often come anywhere from 20+ per can (brisling-type) to 3 giant fillets. Do yourself a favor and set sail for North African coast of Morocco (best sardines, hands down) and aim to toss back mini beers of the Castle Lager variety.
7) Swordfish
While seemingly cranked on uppers all the time, the swordfish reaches incredible speed with only performance enhancing chum. This fish has no time for you, beer, or the trash heap known as your 'fishing vessel.' Theoretically consumes Yuengling lager.
6) Puffer Fish
Puffy, Pokey, and prefers Pilsner—Namely Pilsner Urquell. An uncomplicated companion with great taste and great taste.
5) Giant Pacific Octopus
Known for their succy succy traction cups, chewiness, and ability to slam box upon box of cheap white wine. The giant pacific octopus sports more than one arm with the ability to hold meni beers, but, perceives them all inferior to Bud Light.
4) Short-Beaked Common Dolphin
Sporting the title of smallest whale of all time, these goodhearted mammals will respectfully share a keg of blonde ale with you.
3) Maine Lobster
A San Francisco treat among many New England salts. The Maine lobster doubles as a the wiener dog of the sea and thrives exclusively on Allagash releases—Will do a triple backflip into boiling water for anything in the Coolship series.
2) Chum Salmon
Chum salmon is the most aggressive of all the salmons. Fueled exclusively by Pacific Northwest microbrews—notably the malty malty goodness of Mac & Jack's African Amber, but will navigate upstream for a Rainier beer.
1) Saltwater Crocodile
The saltwater crocodile of Northern Australia will drink ANY quantity of beer you throw at it with a strong preference for Gose.
